Copyright The Washington Post Company Feb 6,
1994
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INFO-GRAPHIC,,Twp;ILLUSTRATION,,Marc Rosenthal
For Twp;LOGO CAPTION:The Style
Invitational; Week 49: A Slalom Occasion
Light-Heavyweight Name Dropping - Points awarded for speed, grace
and audacity. ("So me and the pope were knocking back a few, when
Wayne Gretzky says to me, Ernie, he says...") Synchronized Spinning
- Teams of competitors are bombarded with personally devastating
news ("You have been indicted for molesting a goat") which they must
disseminate in the most positive possible way ("I have been
recognized for my work with animals.") Conscience-Wrestling
(Canceled for lack of qualifying entrants) This Week's contest was
proposed by Bill Powers of Arlington, who doesn't win squat because
he works at The Post. Bill suggests coming up with events for a
Washington Olympics. They can be winter or summer sports, based on
bureaucracy or other themes peculiar to Washington, and must include
a brief description of the event. First-prize winner gets a
professional magician's guillotine capable of severing a human
wrist, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style
Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly
sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be
selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to
the Style Invitational, Week 49, The
 Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C.
20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or
before Monday, Feb. 14. Please include your address and phone
number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase
necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not
eligible for prizes. Report from Week 46, in which you were asked to
create a sentence or paragraph that, were it not for this contest,
would never otherwise be uttered: - Sixth Runner-Up: "I'm speaking
of Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, Reagan - guys like that." (Peyton
Coyner, Afton) - Fifth Runner-Up: "I must have gone to the toilet a
dozen times the night before I was executed." (Paul Alter,
Hyattsville) - Fourth Runner-Up: "Hillary, get me a beer!" (Michael
Michalik, Frederick) - Third Runner-Up: "So, six martinis later, I
go to see his `writing awards' and he shows me a trophy case filled
with plastic vomit, rubber dog poop, a set of terra cotta lawn pigs,
and about a zillion ugly T-shirts!" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco,
N.Y.) - Second Runner-Up: "Maybe we should try some of these burlap
condoms." (Matt Young, Dale City) - First Runner-Up: "We named her
Kate ChincoteagueOysterDrool Verba," I explained. "We're hoping to
win some cheese." (John Verba, Washington) - And the Winner of the
Really Fancy Harmonica With Wah-Wah Button: "I, Tonya Harding, do
solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of
president of the United States and will to the best of my ability,
preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, so help me God."
(Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) - Honorable Mentions: "Hey, did
you hear about some woman named Lorena somebody who cut off her
husband's penis?" (Gil Owens, Indian Head) "If there are no bones in
ice cream, why can't dogs vote?" (Michele L. Uhler, Fort.
Washington) "Is it barium yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I want to
be a Rush Limbaugh/Roger Ebert sandwich." (Stephanie Ward,
Baltimore) "Waiter, could I please have some more parsley?" (Harris
Shettel, Rockville) "Yes, Mr. Buttafuoco, you will be ordained this
Sunday." (Don Thompson, Gaithersburg) "Hey, Bill Clinton looks just
like Princess Diana!" (Brian Sink, Washington) "Do you repair
Jell-O?" (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) "I hope I'm invited to the
bris!" (Susannah Rosenblatt, Annandale) "The only practical solution
to the population explosion is baby burgers." (Peyton Coyner, Afton)
"I like when my mother-in-law visits because that affords me the
opportunity to massage her feet." (John Knowles, Lorton) "The good
thing about really cold weather is when you staple your tongue to
your ear, you can't feel it." (Jan Verrey, Arlington) "My near-fatal
tonsillectomy was like owning a Slinky in a house with no stairs."
(Charles Layman, Silver Spring) "Nurse, do you know where I could
buy one of these hospital gowns for myself?" (Harris Shettel,
Rockville) "While I find your insights into the Platonic origins of
`Also Sprach Zarathustra' illuminating, I don't feel your analysis
of Nietzsche's influence on Heidegger will stand up on further
examination, Mr. Quayle." (Noah Meyerson, Bethesda) "Go ahead, have
dessert. I am quite confident that sex with you will be worth a $93
dinner tab." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - And Last: Mozart mentioned
the harmonica only once in his writing, dismissing the instrument as
"at best a pentatonic duck call; unless someone gives this thing a
button for half-notes - or, you know, invents the blues - you may as
well GIVE it away." (John Verba, Washington) Next Week: Can You Do
Verse? |
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